What I Was Feeling When I Died

You would think I felt my body rip open. You would think I felt my heart break into a million pieces at the thought of being killed by the one I loved the most. You would think as I was floating in the air in front of God’s eyes I would be sad that my life was over. The surprise is I wasn't. I was free. My life was pointless. I was never going to win. I was stuck in a situation I was never going to get out of. Time after time my hope was crushed of escaping my marriage. Tom would never have loved me the way he loved Daisy. I was just an object to him and in that moment of death I realized that. I was not upset but just the realization of that brought me the bliss of freedom. George loved me but I could never love him. He didn't know how to be in a marriage, he was not fit to be a husband. I could not hold a grudge against him because he did not realize what I deserved and needed. I realized the worth of my life and the only way I was going to come to terms with the hopelessness of it was through that moment of death. Peace spread through my heart and the light of freedom was calling my name as I entered my afterlife willingly as a free soul in front of the eyes of God. 

What I Was Thinking When I First Cheated on George

I cannot be punished for the crime of cheating. I never betrayed the one I loved so is it really a crime? And Tom told me at one point he never loved Daisy so neither of us were really sinning. That has always been my thought process in our situation. I am a woman of high class and honor at heart. That is why I belong with Tom. George has given me nothing but debt so this can act as a form of punishment. He can hardly run a business without it falling apart. I am the woman and I have to run things business wise if they are to go smoothly. Normally a woman would feel bad after cheating on their husband but I had no remorse. I only know what I deserve and how I should be treated. He has wronged me in that respect so I have the right to wrong him. Fire with fire one could say. If he ever found out he should just know we are even. If anyone has sinned it is him. He has lacked in his husbandly duties of taking care of the one he “loves”. Plus I am clever enough to cover it up so I won’t be caught. Just from the first time I cheated with Tom I already have more feelings for him in that one day when his car broke down that I have ever had in what seems like an eternity married to George. 

Why I Disdain My Life

What is this life without love? George is a sad excuse for a husband. We do not love each other. He thinks he loves me but he wouldn’t know what love was if it hit him in the back of the head. There is no spark, no passion. He is a boring man who owns a gas station. But Tom is so much more. He is a rich, sophisticated, high class man who knows how to treat a girl. Just last week he bought me a dog at the snap of my fingers. Yes, he struck me and in the moment of course I was upset, but a little money can cover that up and boy does he have enough of it. You might ask why I am so desperate to get away from George but I mean look at the options. Oh if I was with Tom my whole life would be different. I can only imagine. Instead of living in grime and filth I would live where a lady like me should, in riches. But I can’t have this can I? And why you may ask? Because the whole flipping universe is against me! I will never be as good as that golden girl daisy to Tom. He is proud of her, what a trophy she is to all who see him, so what does that make me? Obviously Tom sees me as a shame and does not compare to me to any sort of trophy. I should have more self-respect and ditch him but as much as Tom might be ashamed of me I can’t help but fall deeper and deeper in love with him in the hope that one day he might come to his senses and tell me to pack my backs and get ready to leave with him. This life I lead is full of hopeless love and never being good enough so why wouldn’t I disdain it? 

Why I Ran In Front of the Car

George was questioning me. He was catching on. He thought my behavior were suspicious. He knew. But he didn’t with whom and I wouldn’t break. Tom would come for me I knew it. He wouldn’t leave me to go West with this man I didn’t love. Any second he would come down the road in the yellow car he stopped by to get gas in. And he did. There he was, speeding. Speeding to me! He knew, God knows how, but George had caught on. I broke free from George’s grasp and ran out the door to my beloved Tom. I was so relieved and filled with joy. He chose me, he was coming for me. I didn't need to pack a bag, all I needed was him. In the glorious joy of the situation my judgement was thrown. The car was speeding because it was Tom who was driving to save me, not for any other reason. So I ran to the car and I stood in the path of it, waving it down and calling Tom’s name to show him I was here. I was ready. Through the blur of tears and joy the car was suddenly right in front of me. I heard the squeak of the brakes but it was too late. The impact was quick and painless. I felt myself in the air, floating in front of God’s eyes. In that moment I did not feel: the betrayal that my love had killed me, the confusion on why he did so, and the heartbreak of never getting to be with him. I felt relief of the burdens of the life I did not care to live lift from my shoulders. I thought the only escape from my situation was Tom, never did I think about death. But here I was, floating, in the air, absolutely and beautifully free. 

What I was Feeling When Tom Struck Me

Betrayal. The feeling of the one you love striking you across the face is worse than being stabbed by a complete stranger. The feeling was crushing. It’s her fault, it’s Daisy. It’s always been Daisy. I am ready to leave George. I have never been in love with that man. But Daisy, the golden girl, still has a piece of my Tom’s heart. Maybe I am better alone. I am stuck in a marriage that lacks compassion and feelings, and the one I love, who holds the key to my escape, is too ashamed of me to shout the news of our affair and break the chains of my marriage to the world. What am I really worth to him? I have been told everyone already knows of our affair, even Daisy. So why is that foolish girl still with him? Everyone is unhappy in this situation. Am I the only one who can see that. I tried telling Tom and look where that got me. He can’t even hear her name from my mouth without his anger boiling over enough to strike me. Does he even really love me the way I love him? Doesn’t he know I would pack my bags and leave as soon as he gave me the sign to? Maybe I am better off alone. Both men in my life just do not work. I am married to a naïve man who isn’t even sharp enough to notice he is being humiliated. Though I try to hide it I am just so obvious of my love for Tom. Then there’s Tom. What is he waiting for? Do I embarrass him that much? Will the announcement of loving me damage his reputation that much? The idea is crushing. I guess I will just have to wait.  

What I was Thinking When Tom Came

“Maybe I should sell the car to someone else then,” I heard Tom say with an agitated element in his voice. My heart jumped. I looked in the mirror one last time, I looked fabulous as always. Now I had to be discrete. I couldn’t give be too obvious but my longing for Tom was hard to hide. We made eye contact when I was at the top of the steps. Our eyes locked, communicating our little secret in that small glance. Say something my sub-conscience yelled! “If you’re talking business I’m the one you want to talk to.”  Tom looked flawless as always. He had a nice suit on and looked clean shaven. Tom and I were both unhappy with the ones we were married too. He once loved Daisy but I never loved George. Tom was the only one I ever really cared about. Tom gave me a wink and handed me some money and told me we were going to a hotel. I pleaded for a dog first and he granted my wish. I picked out a knock off fire truck dog but it was a dog nonetheless. When we reached the hotel my sister and her friends came and entertained Nick. What a stick in the mud, but good with keeping secrets. He was drunk and to the looks of me it was definitely one of his first times with the liquid poison. I was in a room alone with Tom when he brought up Daisy. Daisy, Daisy, Daisy! My mind raged. Is that who he thought of when he was with me? Why was I sacrificing a solid, but not enjoyable, marriage if there was a possibility of Tom still being in love with Daisy? The nerve! I had more respect for myself. I was boiling with anger when I said my thoughts out loud. “DAISY DAISY DAISY!” I screamed at him as we walked into the main room where everyone was. “You don’t have the right to say her name!” he said to me. How dare he? I don’t have the right? Louder I kept saying her name when my beloved Tom struck me across the face. My sister and my friends came to me as a crashed to the ground. Why did I get myself in this situation? Why was I with a man I didn’t love? Why was I in love with a man who was ashamed of me? Just what in the world was I thinking?